I enjoy the word ardent and rime, but I am not sure refulgency or atmospheric phenomenon have any place in poetry. At least...no place in this poem. I think the simplicity of the original, as seen below the rework, weaves a much better portrait.
Many thanks to the Pub of dVerse Poets for their prompt. This was fun.
Sitting in the ardent
Atmospheric phenomenon
Before the refulgency
Dips too deep
And the rime
Creeps back in
A moment too momentary
Has come to impose
A moment to momentary
(Original)
Posted for Dverse Poets--Logophilia
I agree sesquipedalianism is usually unnecessary and lacks the aesthetic appeal of simplicity. I like aspects of both poems and think that examining intent in diction can move us beyond the choices we may otherwise make out of habit. Why refulgency over resplendent or shine? Part of what makes your poetry yours, nicely done.
ReplyDeletei agree..the original captures the atmosphere much better than the re-write.. i think def. there are cool and sophisticated words that have their place in poetry but by their nature, the danger is that they stand out like pillars and rob a poem off the atmosphere and draw all the attention to themselves if we're not careful..
ReplyDeleteI w very impressed with the way you were able to lift the original to another place with the replacement of a few simple words in the phrasing, I do like the warmth and feeling of the original a bit more though...I guess that is because that version came straight from the heart.
ReplyDeletei think one must know the best vehicle with which to send off their words...personally i like the simpler version...but i think too that there are some where adjusting one word to something a bit more complex adds just a bit of depth er....
ReplyDeleteI like the original poem ~ I enjoy the reworked word play but I find that more people and readers respond to work they can relate and easily grasp on the first reading ~
ReplyDeleteNice to see you ~
Why use a ten-dollar word when a ten-cent one will do? The original version feels "real" though from the second I like "ardent" and "rime". So many ways to play those. Language is nothing without feeling, and you have proved that. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThe original does have a directness that conveys the chi of the moment. Nicely experimented with, tho.
ReplyDeleteinteresting how you switched the lines with "too" in them (i think you meant too in the last line)
ReplyDeletei like the written one better, it paints a simple picture. the first one makes you think to much. it becomes an exercise for the reader.
really good demo. would be great for a high school or even college creative writing course.
bonus track
verification makes it really hard to comment. you'd get more comments if you turned it off. i had to do this several times to get it to work. (notice how almost everyone else has shut off their verification)
I read Claudia's comment and think she just taught me more than the prompt even. I'm always so eager to please the teacher but perhaps what we deliver innately can be better than the schooled and retooled us...?
ReplyDelete